“The world is full of dark shadows to be sure, both the world without and the world within and the road we’ve all set off on is long and hard and often hard to find, but the word is trust. Trust the deepest intuitions of your own heart. Trust the source of your own truest gladness. Trust the road. Above all else, trust Him. Trust Him. Amen.”
These words are from the end of a commencement address, and here I am, almost two weeks after commencing from Fuller. I feel that same standing on the edge of a cliff feeling I had after graduating college, but also not the same…My future is not as wide open, the frontier is not so wild, because now I’m married. I can’t take off and go where the wind carries me. There is another person, another set of needs, dreams, fears, and preferences to consider.
Yet at the same time, the horizon of who I will become is just as endless as once was the horizon of what I might do or where I might go. I stand on a cliff, peeking over the edge not into the great wide world but into the echoing, wild, empty, crowded, barren, lush world inside of me. Will I be a teacher? A writer? Will I carry on or lose momentum and grow stagnant? Will I exclude, judge, resent? Will I include, open my arms, forgive? Will I learn to be a gracious wife, perhaps in the far future a gracious and nurturing mother? Most of all, a gracious daughter of the King who adopted me, carrying out His way of life with beauty and a full heart and a sense of wonder at the cycle of receiving, letting go, dying, and receiving once more? Will I keep climbing the mountain, selling my world, to own the treasure I’ve been offered? Or will I settle for life in te valleys, tinkering with trinkets, and waiting for golden moments that never come?
Buechner says to trust the deepest intuitions of our hearts. What are mine? What is my deepest gladness? It comes from belonging, from the nurturing give and take of friendship, from words that spin worlds into being, from exploring worlds different from my own. Where could all of this possibly lead me?