That’s pretty much how I feel. I moved last weekend…for the third time in less than 4 months. I guess I didn’t have to move so many times…I didn’t have to move to Pasadena at the beginning of the summer, but I’m still glad I did. Subletting my friend’s apartment was a good move because that way I’ve been able to get used to living in a new city before I have to get used to being back in school and working a new job.
I like my change in degrees.
However, despite my efforts to lessen the pressure of change this summer, my life has been in constant motion since being back from Norway. Or constant limbo. Hanging out at my grandparents’ for a month, then at the apartment on Madison for two months, and now my on-campus Fuller apartment.
Guys, it’s embarrassing how difficult all of this is for me. I haven’t been able to get my balance this summer, and I almost wish I could just get my sea legs instead. Just go with it, right?
Two feelings keep coming to the surface during these days (well, especially during this move): helplessness and loneliness. I just feel like I NEED so many things: things that cost money, or things that take skills I don’t have to set up or install, or time or emotional energy I just can’t manage to scrape up.
And dude, there is nothing like moving by yourself to make you feel alone in the world. Going into your new, empty apartment alone. Sleeping in it that first night alone. This isn’t a single girl’s desperate cry, it’s just fact. I mean, it would be cool just to have a friend around. Thankfully my sister and brother-in-law helped me a bit on Saturday, and that alleviated the solitary-rowboat-floating-in-an-endless-sea feeling.
Also I’m an external processor, so I always need to talk about what I’m going through, whether good or bad. It helps me heaps. So lately I’ve been missing living on the third floor at Grimerud and pouring out my heart to one of the precious girls who lived there. (Thanks, Miuky, Matilda, Nina, Dina, Synnove, and Annis for all those times).
Anyway, I’m just trying to hold onto truth right now and not wallow in self-pity. Today on his blog Donald Miller posted an essay about self-pity. How timely! It wasn’t really anything new but I need to be reminded of those basics.
I know that this is just a season…a crazy, turbulent season of uncertainty and it, too, will pass. I’m on a journey, and that means I’m not staying in one place too long. Hopefully soon I will post this picture, and that will be our little sign that things are looking up. 
You know that sappy little quote, “Live like there’s no tomorrow, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one’s watching”? I’ve kind of been thinking about that lately, but with my own twist: “blog like no one’s watching.” Because lately, it feels like everyone is watching. On Facebook, too. Now when I post a status update, I have to think, “Okay…my mom, my grandmother’s friends, my former professors, future employers, friends, ex-boyfriends, distant relatives, frenemies, and possibly Erwin McManus are going to read this – is it worth it?” And by that I mean, is it worth it to deal with the awkwardness of when someone brings up what I wrote on a status update last week (hello…isn’t that like an unspoken rule, don’t bring FB status updates into real life?) or worse, when my grandmother told me the other day that her friend enjoyed reading my posts on Facebook. WHAT!?
