Breaking Framework

“Every change in the quality of a person’s life must grow out of a change in his or her vision of reality.”

–Brennan Manning

The Wisdom of Tenderness

I feel like this is what happened to me during my year in Europe.  I think it kind of started in one of the first weeks of the DTS, when we were learning about the Holy Spirit.  Our lecturer, a little rapping Norwegian man named Jan, was talking about how the Holy Spirit leads us into all truth.  He said that if we are open to letting the Spirit break the framework set up in our minds, He can lead us into the freedom that only comes with knowing the truth.  I took Jan seriously, and I began to pray that day that the Holy Spirit would break my framework, because I was hungry for truth and thirsty for freedom.

Guess what?  The Holy Spirit took my request seriously.  I’m still sorting out what He taught me and how He changed me…it’s hard to put into words.  But in some areas of my life, I had been looking at things one way and all the sudden (or sometimes slowly) He shifted things so I saw them in a totally different way.  And that shift in perspective, that breaking of framework, set me free.  Ideas that I always believed to be truth, to be reality, I see now as lies and illusions.

The challenge now is to return to the place where my old framework was built, and to hold onto this radically different view of reality that God has given me.  I’m not worried though…when we let Him, He always finishes what He starts.

P.S. I absolutely recommend the book I took this quote from, The Wisdom of Tenderness.  Life changing.

The Re-entry Blues

Sigh.  I’m a bit of an Eeyore tonight.  The thing is, I knew it would be difficult to re-enter the United States after 8 months in Europe.  But that doesn’t make it fun!  Here are some…er…highlights of the re-entry/reverse culture shock experience:

1. Oh my gosh, why do Americans speak so loudly?  I know, I know.  I do it, too.  But now I’m constantly cringing at the sheer volume of regular, everyday conversations.  I wonder if my European friends ever wanted to just clap their hands over their ears while I was speaking to them?  My dad, a 6 foot 5 Israeli man, is already loud and on the ride home from the airport, I felt like I was being shouted at for 45 minutes.  

2. The variety, the endless choices I am faced with every second of the day.  I came home to a closet full of clothes, a fridge full of food, and a city full of shops and advertisements.  There’s just so much, I feel paralyzed by it.  The past two nights I’ve been so stuck trying to decide what to make for dinner that I put it off for two hours until I’m starving, and then just end up eating some pita and hummus and some fruit and yogurt.  Last night I wandered around Trader Joe’s for an hour, just looking at things.  I would pick up a box of frozen quiche, stare at it blankly, and then put it down and shuffle off to another aisle.  I changed outfits three times this morning.  I can’t even decide which book to read…now that I’m surrounded by my own collection, and within a few minutes of a public library full of English volumes.

3. I think the loneliness is the hardest part.  I came home to a bit of a weird situation, because my parents left for an anniversary cruise the day before I returned home.  So I’m staying in this huge house with my little dog and my stepbrother who is in and out at all hours.  It’s a far cry from the noisy 3rd floor at Grimerud, where I could hear my neighbors’ conversations as clearly as if they were in my own room; and the laughter in the kitchen and doors slamming at any hour.  People, voices, life were at my fingertips.  

I really miss Europe and Norway and Grimerud.  It’s so frustrating when you just get used to something, and then you change again.  I feel like that’s the story of my life.  It’s not a bad thing, it’s just tiring and uncomfortable sometimes.  I’m thankful that my time in Norway was so amazing that I do have to go through a mourning period now that it’s over.  I know I just need to ride this wave out, let things take their natural course and take special care of myself in the process…but I just wish I was readjusted already.  It’s so weird to think that going back to my comfort zone actually feels like being out of my comfort zone.  I guess that’s what happens when you’ve been away long enough.  The good thing is, I’ve only seen good things come out of being in this squirmy place.  Bring it.

Ha Det Bra, Norway!

This is my last night in Norway.  I will miss so many things about this place.  Here’s my top ten:

1. Brown cheese.  On a brown Wasa with raspberry jam.  Preferably at 10:30am on a weekday.  With a cup of English Breakfast tea.

2. The Living Rooms at Grimerud.  I love having our morning meetings in there, and also having times with God in the middle living room overlooking the fields and the lake, Mjøsa.

3. The spectacular views of Mjøsa and the countryside and the sunset around Grimerud.  Pretty much, the all-around beauty of this place.

4. Going to Ola and Gro Elisabeth’s log cabin and having dinner and sitting for hours talking about a million things.

5. The DTS.  Staff and students.  Oh, man.  Good times.  Ebby singing, Kim whining, Andreas beat boxing, and everyone in between.

6. Singing and hearing people sing in Norwegian.  Also, singing prayers before meals.  Okay, I never actually learned any of the Norwegian ones, but I still liked hearing it!

7. Running around in my socks all the time.  Honestly, I don’t know if I can wear shoes in my house ever again.

8. The simple relaxation of “country life.”  Sitting out in the sunshine in front of the main building, or having brunch with Magni at Bisben…I just can’t relax the same way in the city.

9. The word vær så god.  Seriously, how did I ever live without it?  Also, being able to respond with just “Mmm” in many situations.  Norwegians don’t waste words!

10. And of course: the people, the people, the people.  Vicky bossing me around with her “Joy Dear.”  Being goofy with Matilda and Rickard.  Long talks with Magni and Dina in Bisben or the dining hall.  Heather and Andreas, beautiful girls Synnøve and Anne Randi; Heidi and Maggi; the Franzens; little baby Marianna; sweet Svein Ola; crazy-intense Chris; adventurous, childlike, creative Miuky; hilarious Christina and Ebby…there are just too many to name.  

It’s been a wonderful time here in Norway and I will cherish these memories for life.  Tusen takk, my Grimerud and Norwegian friends, for an amazing season.  Ha Det Bra.

A Wee Adventure

Speaking of going out of my comfort zone, I took a little jaunt even further outside last week when I went on holiday to Ireland and Sweden.  On my way to Ireland I was thinking, “What the heck am I doing?”  I was taking two planes to get there, only to be greeted by a friend I haven’t seen in 2 ½ years, a guy I knew for a summer while working at camp together.  When I last saw Jamie, he was an athletic, outgoing, warm-hearted 19-year old.  A few weeks after he returned to the U.K. he broke his back playing rugby and is now confined to a wheelchair.  What would that be like?  Everything about the trip was a huge unknown and I wondered if I should have stayed back at Grimerud and had a safe and koselig little Easter holiday there.

 

But, yet again, God surprised me!  Looking back it seems to me that He wanted to give me that trip to Ireland as a little gift, wrapped up in emerald paper and smelling of the sea.  Jamie and I had so much fun together, and his parents were amazing, generous, hospitable people.  Every morning I got up before Jamie and had breakfast with his parents, having great long talks with his mom. 

 

On Easter Sunday we went to his church where I was greeted so warmly and we rocked the house celebrating that Jesus is alive, complete with dancing and party poppers.  We hung out in Belfast and saw Fifty Dead Men Walking, a film about The Troubles in Ireland that was totally violent but really interesting and helped me get an idea of what was going on in the country only a few decades ago.  I drank a half-pint of Guiness in a real Irish pub with copper kettles hanging from the ceiling and dozens of people singing along to old Irish songs. 

 

My favorite day was when we drove up to the North Coast of Northern Ireland with Jamie’s sweet friend Jenny Lee and toured a castle that made me feel like Lucy in Prince Caspian, exploring the ruins of Cair Paravel. We marveled at the natural beauty of Giant’s Causeway and couldn’t get over the amazing weather as we waited to cross the Carrick-a-rede rope bridge.  We took the train down to Dublin with Jenny Lee and Jamie’s friend Steven and had a great time despite crap weather, and spent the afternoon in a heated theological discussion (love it) in Temple Bar. 

 

I had the best tea of my life every day, and I loved how when I ordered tea at a café they always gave a whole teapot – two cups for the price of one!  I loved hearing Irish accents everywhere – the low, soothing tone; the lilting rhythm of it; the way they really do say “wee” all the time…even the guys! 

 

Hanging out with Jamie again was so cool, and not only because he’s totally fun and hilarious.  Jamie’s unshakable belief in God’s promises was an absolute inspiration to me.  He’s in an awful situation but is not pitying himself.  Instead he is going on with his life and always believing that Jesus will heal him and he will walk again.  I was so moved by his faith, and so humbled when I thought of how I would respond in such a situation – probably crying and sighing a lot and feeling bitter toward God and everyone else.

 

Of course I left Jamie a little thank you note before I left, but in case he ever reads this blog, I just want to say, Thank you Jamie.  You were an amazing host and I had a fantastic time.  You are welcome back to California any time. 

 

But mostly, I just want to thank my Father, God, for yet again surprising me with a little gift, just another dream come true from His heart to mine.  He totally patiently leads me out of my comfort zone to experience His love and be astounded by it in new ways.

Dunluce Castle on the North Coast (aka ruins of Cair Paravel)

Me and Jamie.  Near Giant’s Causeway.  Do you see the camel in the mountain between us?

Jenny Lee and I at Giant’s Causeway.  Those “cobblestones” are naturally formed!

In Dublin with Jamie and his friend Steven (who started said heated theological discussion).  They filmed a scene from “Once” in this park.

Queen’s University in Belfast, Northern Ireland

The Temple Bar in Temple Bar, where, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding, I was bought a Coors Light instead of a Stella.  Boo.

Report From Outside My Comfort Zone

 

 

“Somebody once said, ‘Everything you want in the world is just right outside your comfort zone. Everythingyoucouldpossiblywant!’”

–Jennifer Aniston

Vogue, December 2008

 

I know what you’re thinking.  Joy abandons her blog for a month and then comes back with a quote from Jennifer Aniston?  Bear with me, though.  I can’t exactly remember when I first read this quote, but I think it was when I was at the airport in Oslo back in January, killing time before our flight to Germany for a two month outreach.  I knew I was headed for 9 weeks of being completely out of my comfort zone, so I took her words seriously as a little shot of hope to help me make the flight without wanting to jump out somewhere over Amsterdam. 

This whole 8 months in Europe has been a constant string of moments, large and small, outside my comfort zone.  And when you first get out there, you feel like you’re trying to walk around underwater. It’s no fun.  But now I feel like I’m almost accustomed to being out of my comfort zone…to that anxious fluttery sensation in my chest as I enter into another unknown, potentially awkward situation.  The meeting of new people, the adapting to new cultures, the learning of new words, the discipline of keeping one’s self in the moment instead of checking out and going on autopilot as a coping mechanism.  Now I feel I’ve figured out how to hold my breath longer and move a little more gracefully in the murky waters of new, uncomfortable situations.  I’m no expert, that’s for sure.  But I think I do a better job than I ever have at least appearing to be confident and to have fun.

Now the question is: in these 8 months outside my comfort zone, have I found everything I want in the world?  Well, yes and no.  The only reason I say no is because of the incredible drought I have experienced this year when it comes to guys.  I mean, seriously…I think I’ve gone months without seeing one man I am even remotely attracted to, not to mention a guy that I might actually be interested in (and, it must be said, the reverse is true.  It’s been a while since I’ve had to turn someone down).  So, I would like to meet someone, and that didn’t happen in my comfort zone or outside of it.

But.  A husband is definitely not the only thing I want in the world, or even one of the most important things.  I really have found so many things that I’ve wanted, and so much more.  I really can’t explain it, but when I came back from outreach for our DTS debrief week, and was back together with all the students from the school, it was like all the pieces fell into place for me and I could see the big picture of this time in Europe.  The first few days I would get all emotional and teary just being in the same room as all the students – the beauty of these individuals, of what they bring to the group, of the transformation God did in each of them over 6 months – it was too much to take. 

And on top of all of that, to think of what God has done in me these past months!  The ways He’s showed me more of who He is, and how it is constantly more beautiful than I could have dreamed…the security in my relationship with Him that I’m moving into, knowing that I’m His and that His joy is upon me…finally beginning to understand that God is good and He can be trusted!  These truths are worth so much more than all the things I could ever want in this world. 

Oh, and on top of it – the rich relationships I’ve enjoyed here with people from all over the world, the feeling of love and safety and belonging and people really valuing me enough to invest their time and resources in me – sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough arms to hold all of these gifts, enough heart to be as thankful as I want to be.

I guess, in conclusion, I’d have to say I agree with Jen…or the “somebody” she was quoting.  Now the question is, when I move back to Southern California, how can I keep pushing myself outside of my comfort zone?  But I’m not too worried about it.  Opportunities tend to pop up; I just need to say yes, hold my breath, and dive in.

Guilt Trip

I am ashamed.  I’ve got my hands behind my back, my head’s down, and I’m making little circles in the dirt with my foot.

I know it’s been a long time, guys.  This might be the longest I’ve ever gone without a new post.  And I left you hanging with such a lame one, as well!

I’m sorry.  

But I made it safely back from Germany.  I’m not going to lie, it was really hard and I was pretty broken and empty when I got back to Norway.  BUT, once I got back to Norway, things quickly started looking up.  For instance, I saw a moose wandering through a snowy field on our way to Grimerud from the airport.  Cool!  (By the way, this picture is taken from the plane as I descended into the eternal winter that is Norway.  Okay, it’s not THAT bad, but dude, look at all that snow!)

No, but really, it’s been amazing to be back here at Grimerud.  Being away has made me realize even more what a special place this is.  I’m not going to get started on all my feelings about that – it’s a post for another day.

But last week we had a really fun, memorable week of debriefing with the DTS.  So…not much time to blog.  And this week I’ve just been trying to soak in my last few moments in Norway, so I’m not really into hanging out in front of my computer until just before bed when Facebook calls my name like the crafty siren she is.

I just wanted you all to know that I’m doing well, I’m still alive, and I’ve got a few ideas for new posts in my head that hopefully I can get up soon…maybe even this weekend because most of the base are working like busy little ants for the Easter Festival this week.

Kisses!